return my video game
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
PANTIES FOUND
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