i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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