I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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