I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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