Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
