what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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