I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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