I'm so fucking centered right now
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
