Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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