I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
