i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
