the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
