So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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