I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
