that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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