I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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