i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
how does that bad decision feel?
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