i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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