Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
