FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
is wine microwaveable?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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