the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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