his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
