dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
only if we run a train.
done.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
