I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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