Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
