It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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