I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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