chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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