Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he told me I talked like a deaf person
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Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
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Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.