I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.