and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
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If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.