Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
