mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
