My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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