I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
