I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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