you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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