If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
