I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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