Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
