so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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