mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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