I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
