my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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