he quoted the bible to break up with me
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
