please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
