last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
