the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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