If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
