Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
