i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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