my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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