we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Found the puke drawer
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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