I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
