now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
