I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
