Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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