i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
