You really coming over, don't trick.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i've created a new STD.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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